the chick you hooked up with on my couch facebook friended me.
just thought you should know her name is kristen
I just cleaned your Jaeger vomit off my car with a knife. Don't ever say I don't love you.
We made out for three hours. Then she said she didn't sleep with redheads and left the party. So yes, I'm still drinking.
Just paid a $5 cover at a bar I stumbled by so I could puke in a toilet and not in public.
Well they kicked us out after we started heckling the acrobats
why didn't you tell me his penis tasted like oreos?
Leaving someone plastered on a corner at 3am telling them to just scream for cock is NOT being a good wingman.
Just called a girl a cunt over peanuts. I think we both know it wasn't just about the peanuts.
I ran into him drunk, barefoot, at rite aid and he said I looked "stunning." Yeah, Stunningly shitfaced haha
After sending me a dick pic, he asked, "yay or nay?"
I'm armed with nothing but $4 lip gloss gum and my phone. Ready to take on the fucking world.
Dude chill patience is a virtue.
WHY DOES PATIENCE HAVE TO BE A VIRTUE, WHY CAN'T HURRY THE FUCK UP BE A VIRTUE?
right now I am washing the alcohol and shame off from last night
we f'd six times
f'd?
its sunday, i cant say fucked
Also, in case they didn’t tell you… there is a chicken living in your old room… so I would assume cleaning that is now on them
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