sometimes i really wish you were a nugget.
Found her laying down in a booth in iHop. She's a keeper.
Did she have bad breath? Bad breath makes you think of all the bad things in the world
I just threw up in a patch of wild flowers on the side of the road. I never knew rock bottom was so beautiful.
The new google images is a smorgasbord of porn now are plans for tonight are off.
driving around with you guys listening to the beach boys made me very concious of how white you all are.
Get everyone into the kitchen. I need you all to witness me friend-zoning him. Just in case.
He bought me Ben & Jerrys and then apologized for the fact that he was going to fall asleep before we could have sex
Just when I decided to go get a taco and a blunt cake it starts raining. Coincidence? or divine intervention?
I'm hoping the sedatives kick in before I drunkenly decide to eat this whole cheesecake.
Just showed my drunk fiancé where I got circumcised, she's been crying for twenty minutes.
So I "accidentally" brought my road beers into church for this wedding
And they fell out of my pocket on the pew. Made quite a noise...safe to say I'm batting a thousand
I know that whole thing was awkward. Not worth the piece of cake.
she is currently in the shower drinking a beer and dancing to a song called "the penis song" my roommate is cooler than yours
anything below 65° is too cold to be naked on a roof
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