bitch so ugly she owes me an erection
who knew that a girl that let me piss on her within 20 minutes of meeting her would get upset i couldn't remember her name.
hey dude come in here and see how much of my beard i can put in my mouth!
So if you ever need to know a guy who knows a guy who knows a guy that can put a 24oz beer can up his ass... Hit me up...
In less than 24 hrs I went from conversing with Nobel Laureate, to hangover vomiting in front of a drive thru cashier
I think drinking everclear was a better idea than taking a night class.
Sorry, but when you makeout with a guy in a panda suit, you know something has to change.
Remember that time I sent you a 5lb bag of gummie bears?
Like it was yesterday.
Apparently I had it on auto deliver. So whoever is at your apt is gonna gen an interesting delivery...
I'm like 80% sure we nearly got arrested because we threw fireworks at a car
I need to get a job that holds me accountable for something. Otherwise I wake upon Monday wondering when the booze store opens and if I still have a boyfriend.
Text me all the things you want us to do this summer. So far, I have Kegstand written down
It was like in the Christmas carol when the guy pulls his robe back and 2 small children appear... except this time it was a massive scrotum
How was my night? He had a picture of his mom on his night stand and he yelled "Papi like" when he came. Fuck tequila.
Got to work this morning and thought... Did I really dance on that pole last night
I don't know if the puke on my pants is mine or not
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