hook me up with the drugs dog keep up the good work
while 90% of the female population goes to worship a fictional character tonight at midnight, I will be taking advantage of having the bars ALL TO MYSELF.
i'm sitting in the library realizing that the 2 most productive things i did this weekend was have sex and go to the liquor store...
He's fat, has man boobs, and is uncircumsized. I feel like I won the last woman on earth prize.
We probably shouldn't have forced that guys cat to drink the grey goose while we were doing lines in his bathroom
she was talking at me constantly for like 20mins. i kept praying for a brain hernia but it kept not happening...
Found your dick twin last night
I just stole a conducting baton from the chicago symphony orchestra... i have to stop drinking on weeknights
She asked if I could convince him so shave that shit off his face so he'll have a snowball's chance in hell of getting laid.
I have officially tracked lube all over our house on the bottom of my socks without knowing it. Don't slip when you come in
He's balder, I'm skinnier. I win. I. Win.
he called me his ex's name during sex then proceeded to cry while still in me
After I chugged my beer the cop slapped my ass and said "atta girl" this can't be real life.
About that photo of the cake you just sent. You do realize it’s on a glass table, right? We can all see your reflection in it, and you’re very obviously naked.
I WILL go to space. And if we find aliens I WILL fuck one. It’s the Marine Corps way
Randomize
