Facials are how you say "I love you" in porn star.
Me and a lesbian played "may the best man win" over a bi chick tonight... I lost, still fun though
Just got booked to do a bachelorette party for a polygamist wedding. And notice I only text you to rub things in your face and show you my life shits on yours. Daily.
She hash tagged the word blow job in her text. Tonight's going to be good.
And my only real exposure to Russian culture is you and Internet porn.
Nope. Flying out tonight. Staying with my great aunt who is an ex nun turned hostel owner. Best and likely most dangerous St. Patty's Day to commence in 10 hours. IRELAND!
Be safe. And I hate you.
SHE BROUGHT HER PARROT TO THE PARTY. IT SQUAWKS EVERY TIME SOMEONE VOMITS LIKE 'PARTY FOUL SQUAWKKKKKK'
I need to stop acting like a drunk bitch. People are going to get the right idea about me...
I just did the walk of shame in monkey slippers in the snow
Teach me the song of your people
My brain and heart say thanks but my vagina isn't super pleased with you right now
I feel like I spent all day wearing underpants made entirely of poison ivy and sandpaper
A guy from tinder a while ago who sent me dick pics straight out the gate is a tech on my dad's hospital floor. I was wondering why he looked familiar and why he never took my dads vitals when I was in the room
Life is clearly unfair. You remember Courtney has three older sisters, well they're all "make baby sister look like a four" hot. I knew I shouldn't go home with her.
How drunk were you? in an effort to seduce him, you demonstrated your lap dance skillz on his dog.
that blonde bartender and I racked up an impressive mini bar bill last night
Mini bar? Did you get a hotel room?
Yeah, the last thing I need right now is a chick with an insane clown posse tattoo knowing where I live
That’s legit
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