I realized today that the only reason you made out with Travis is because he has nice teeth
tonight, alcohol would be proud of us
Friends don't let friends talk to people who live in Orlando. Sorry I've failed you.
Nothing says Happy Thanksgiving like having to pee in a condom for my cousin so that he can pass a drug test.
I think hes settled down now. He's just licking the walls and the windows.
just leaving uw hospital. they thought i had franzia-induced appendicitis. whaaaaat
Sometimes I wish I could open my skin and just take a little peek at my liver. You know, just to see if it's rotten yet or still perfect looking.
So I bought some random chick a shot she puked in her hands then I watched her make out with my roommate
I just found that video of you jumping onto my exercise ball feet-first and face-planting into my shoe rack.
She's cute. And her snoring noises remind me of the incidental music from Jaws.
My roommate walked in naked grabbed my hand and pulled me into her room to see her randoms dick.
I thought if I bought the most expensive pregnancy test I would look like I had my life together
You know you're stoned when you tell your dog you're stoned only to realise he's not in the pickup
We are gonna play a game I like to call what the fuck is in my pocket
test was negative. but nancy drew has yet to solve the case of the missing period.
Randomize
