What time are you coming? Can you stop and get mouse traps and trojans?
You have mice?
no why?
Yeah, we realized keeping you in a cage wasn't beneficial to us
I made her dinner: Beefaroni with grated parmesan cheese on top. Luckily she showed up drunk and gave me head, "For spending so much time preparing."
To be honest I don't know what's worse, the fact that I interupted their shower sex or the fact that I was so drunk I used the adjoining stall anyway
I drank myself into bisexuality again.
frozen drink friday is suspended until further notice
I was having trouble getting it up so she grabbed it and said "no, it's too big to fail"
I was just informed that I have the perfect belly button for body shots... Best compliment ever.
If I had pants on, you wouldn't be getting this text message
Literally just saw a 7 year old intently rub his penis on the metro. I'm not ready for this
Wait.....I ate a raw potato lastnight.
Tequila ran out around 11 so she let them do body shots of chips and guacamole instead
We had to go. She called the bartender a thundercunt.
sober me is the one who makes bad decisions every boyfriend I've ever had I met sober
He keeps singing a song about someone called the dayman.
....fighter of the Nightman?
Randomize
