Could a canary swim?
Last time I ever let you pet sit.
his penis was crooked so i rode him at an angle. he seemed used to this.
I kept pulling the $1 bills off the stage and told everyone "no no no she has to work for this money"
I had a nursing patient tell me that her favorite drink was vodka and ensure...called it a colorado bulldog
my goal is to not remember how i make a living by 9pm saturday night
VODKA 4LOKO BEER NOT IN THE CLEAR
We looked at pictures of a Texas banjo contest from 2006 for a half hour and then were surprised by who won. That stoned.
I'm pretty sure I got a cavity today due to how many times I've puked hungover at work.
Clearly it doesn't get better with age. Just more sexual
Just saw a dude dressed as captain america driving down the highway. He saluted me.
I know, it's just the worst. Also, security almost took the burrito I brought for lunch. I thought I was going to have to pull a Liz Lemon and eat the whole thing before I could go through.
We grabbed as many adult diapers as we could and made a run for it.
I can't remember what I did last night, but judging from the state of my hair I had a pretty good time.
I'm basically the yoda of knowing when someone wants to sleep with you
She came home, put on the news, left a 20 minute drunk message on her friends machine, then proceeded to play back the entire message laughing hysterically and then just passed out
Randomize
