; Think of how many worthless people would b non existant if there was no liquor so their parents never hooked up
you said youd get me home safely, you dropped me off at 9:30 last night and i just woke up on my porch.
I wish I could tape me & him having sex. Not for pornographic reasons, just for comic relief.
don't worry, your friend will b fine, they treat virgins nicely around here
I got called a drunken housewife today in class. I'm proud, not many people can say they've achieved their life goals like I have by the time they turn 20
Code red. She won't talk to me. Maybe it has something to do with her raccoon eyes. Perry said there was a brief moment of towel fighting until you passed out. Did you draw the turtle on my ass?
WHAT KIND OF DUMPSTER DOESNT HAVE PIZZA IN IT?
You thought your socks were broken. They were just inside out.
"I gave a guy a handjob last night, on a dog bed, inside a fireplace. It's going to be a good year."
Everyone is now just referring to it as "the night Hannah couldn't get laid" so needless to say you didn't miss much
I immediately knew he was tripping, he came over with a grocery bag of snow balls and a bike helmet on and asked if I was prepared to die for my country.
Dilemas of the modern woman: deciding whether or not to write on your ex's wall for his birthday. This is serious.
Hahaha I can already see the arrest warrants. It's gonna be beautiful. I'll get them framed.
A huge penis doesn't warm the soul. Or that's what I've had to tell myself.
This whole quitting my bad habits all at once is really messing with my ability to function.
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