Take a Tylenol with a HUGE glass of water before you pass out, you'll thank me in the morning.
i dony have tylonal but i had a snickers and popcorn and a bottle of water and i am.. brushing my teeth!
I'm being pulled over???
For what!?!?!
??? I'm in a cab!!!!!
Best look from Detroit today: running across the street with your buttcheeks on display carrying a 40 oz. Or maybe being crazy-pregnant and screaming and slamming a pay phone. Toss up.
I'm not really that drunk, but I think vampires should glow in the dark because otherwise it's just unfair
Found more tequila
If I can't get a one-legged man to love me, what the hell chance do I have with a NORMAL guy???
It's summer and yet I still can't have one library session w/o seeing someone who has had their penis in me.
I think it was our ex-neighbor Mike. He leaves Taco Bell outside our door a lot
He'll drop off his extra tacos at our place bc he's super high when he orders & can't eat them all
I'm never telling my kids not to take ecstasy, never. Idk what my mom was thinking.
So I woke up in a strange bed with a note taped to my arm giving me directions back to my brothers apartment.
I CAN CONTROL MY GERBIL WITH MY BREATH. HE FOLLOWS THE SMELL. PROBABLY WOULDNT BE AS EXCITING IF I WASNT HIGH OFF MY ASS, BUT STILL
well we called the liquor store to tell them to stay open five more minutes so we could make it and they recognized our voices. I've never been more proud.
My old dealer would be proud of the drug cocktail I just took for my back pain.
I'm naked on my couch and just ate a chip that was in my belly button.. my 20s have been weird.
He lives in a tent in my ex'd backyard. Why the fuck would you want any of that dirty dick?
dont go in the freezer to fetch your weed. my vibrator may or may not be in there. not sayin, just sayin
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