I am engaged
To a real live girl that has met me
This morning when you woke up you looked like one of the Wii Bowling people. I think it was the eyebrows combined with the sambuca
i have one hour to talk myself into enjoying giving him a blow job when i get home
i gave her road head last night, needless to say it wasn't the same and i bit a chunk of the inside of my cheek off.
I swear that when I have my own bathroom, I'm gonna lock myself in there and masterbate for at least 3 days in sheer appreciation of it.
I ate a pepperoni off of someone's floor last night. We need to talk.
Almost told my boss I was an expert aat swallowing when he questioned my ability to take excedrin,xanax, and a vitamin all at once. It was a medicinal gang bang lubricated by arizona tea.
I was in the bathroom puking up mountains of tequila and when he came to help me, I held the door shut and kept yelling at him to let me be a lady.
Well duh, alcohol and getting fucked up are the world's common languages.
Just walked into the bar to find a guy in a Boba Fett helmet leaning casually against the wall, texting. This night just got real.
My attorney has my name in her roldex as need to hit that. Im gonna win my case
He'd pee in it. And since it's PBR I'd have no idea
I had an epiphany. If a dude dressed up as Batman to ask me out, I'd prolly marry him.
I was so drunk that I passed out before I could do or say anything I'd regret. My low alcohol tolerance is like a guardian angel.
Ur dad just showed me a tit pic he got omf
Randomize