He left an unopened 12 pack of beer by my bed. I guess that's his way of saying thanks for the sex..
it was really awkward. it took him like like 2 minutes to realize who he was jacking off to. he stopped mid-stroke. such a small small world
i told you not to try chat roulette
I had a nursing patient tell me that her favorite drink was vodka and ensure...called it a colorado bulldog
It was smashing those cupcakes into my face that did it. Junk food and I don't mix.
I feel like I ran a fucking marathon on my knees last night and there are bruises to prove it.
This is my first time seeing you since your lesbian experience. SO EXCITED!
The lady at Walgreens was all excited my pregnancy tests had a coupon.
Some guy Just sang about my ass on the street
It was terrible lyrics but I would have thrown my life savings into that guitar case if I had any.
He has a burner phone just to send dick pics. It's revolutionary
I don't think you should say "suck my dick" and then proclaim to be a messiah, of any sort.
I have a hook up buddy in Abiquiu. He lives next to a Chipotle; that's the only reason I see him.
When is the right time to ask your new roommate for her school schedule so she doesn't walk in on you fucking some rando in the kitchen in the middle of the afternoon?
It's like the hunger games, but we're gonna bone each other instead of kill each other
I haven't had sex since the Vanilla Ice concert
Please don't have sex ever again just so you can say that forever.
You have thirteen minutes to get here if you want to get back together. Otherwise I'm getting digits from the waitress.
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