Question: why is there a dildo glued to my kitchen table?
Why I am the classiest girl you know: just mixed drinks for everyone on the baby changing station at the movie theater.
To think... Somewhere, too drunk by buckcherry is someone's theme song
I'm gonna need a helmet and adult supervision by 9...
I'm sorry. I know you didn't expect me to be arm deep in vagina when you walked through the door.
I'm going to go out on a limb and say last night was a success, also the neighbors are counting down the days until we move out.
I broke down outside of an all boys correctional facility
well if that's not a gay porn waiting to happen, i dont know what is...
I can feel the judgmental stares of Christians from around the world right now.
You know you're sufficiently drunk when the 411 dude just says, "Fuck it! I'll Google that shit for you, what movie do you want to see?" and proceeds to give you showtimes for 3 different theatres.
Why am I getting texts saying are you ready for this butthole? Help
EW HE JUST SNAPPED ME A NUDE BUT HE CENSORED HIS DICK BY COLORING IT I DID NOT ASK FOR THIS
While I appreciate the pity sex (seriously, THANK YOU) we should not do it 3feet away from my ex when he's passed out next time. Awkward.
It's okay, big boobs are better than running.
Please don't try and hook up with one of your high school teacher's friends
She flirted with a pilot and a frat boy at the airport in Vegas and told our bartender his mask matched her panties so yeah I’d say she’s rebounding from the divorce
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