Dude, I woke up at my ex's house. I am spooning her half naked roommate. There is a pizza on my shoulder. I need you to come pick me up.
Cops are here now. U need to come back. Ur not under arrest. But u need to apologize to the woman for what you did to her cat.
Wow, you were right... Weed does start conversations
i'm waiting for the less fat version of him to text me
we're ranked number 5 for having the most pot in the country for a university school. idk if i should feel worried or just plain blessed.
So currently I have a block of cheese duct taped to my air conditioner in lieu of a fridge.
he just used "boss" and "boner" in the same sentence. I cant respond.
He asked me if we could throw a lingerie party together so I guess he's single again
Damn, it's been so long since I had sex I could use the cobwebs from my vagina to decorate for Halloween.
I'm using my breathalyzer result sheet as a coaster for my 40.
It's cosmic balancing. My vagina is an instrument of karmic retribution.
Can I join you for some emotional "Post: The Ohio State University's first lose in football after a 24 game winning streak" sex?
I'm so jealous of your sex life. You know it's awesome when thinking about the sex you had last night brings you tears of joy.
He said his fantasy involved both of us fucking while stuffed into the same overalls
It's all part of my master plan: have him buy me all I can eat pizza and all I can drink beer AND THEN tell him there was no spark and we're better off as friends.
Randomize
