i actually looked down at my cock today and said "whoa buddy, you need a haircut....(grimace) and a shower"
You know you have a problem when the only thing that saves you is that you drank so late into the night that you sleep through the designated walk of shame time window
it feels like my vag is blowing bubbles
They were like stripper heels, except business stripper heels, the kind strippers would wear to court.
Seriously... There's something wrong here. I'm drinking vodka to mask the smell of chocolate on my breath before I get home and he finds out. I fucking hate couple dieting...
What's the point of having 3 fuck buddies when their periods all seem to sync up
I love you and want you to know that you're the best friend ever and me lassoing you with a seatbelt was out of sheer affection.
This girl did not understand, once police sirens go on, road-head needs to STOP
I just want to go to their admissions office and show them the video of him taking the flaming shot, and be like yeah...you let in the kid who lit his entire face on fire over me.
It was almost as bad as the time I peed on the floor of the Pentagon's subway station.
I think there's an ice cream truck out back, but there's no way I can get pants on in time to catch it
Aka reading hardcore gay robot porn as a steady trickle of elementary schoolers walk by me every so often and im still in uniform as there councilor
Who is also still dressed up as a pirate
Mmm. Champagne. Weed. 17 pounds of animal crackers.
He asked if I was alright. I said "Yeah, I'm just an incapacitated ball of orgasmic bliss right now."
And you tried to get me to have sex with you in our Harry potter closet lol
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