so I was thinking like, Rob Pattinson could make so much money whoring himself out dressed as Edward Cullen.
yeah, I mean if he's down to fuck a lot of fat chicks and stare at Tiger Beat posters of himself above the bed...
I'm doing a half mile walk of shame carrying a trash bag and still very drunk. Save me. I feel like a refugee.
I woke up this morning with gum gluing my ass cheeks together..
I can't decide if I actually want to know or not..
he got mad when I told him his flaccid penis looked like a sleeping kitten
Just put the gallon of milk in the microwave. Dad might know im high.
Sometimes I seriously wonder if I could get away with vodka Sundays at work. Cuz this red bull feels naked.
He makes me wish my vagina was bigger... This must be what love feels like.
I don't think she considers it a date unless she publicly urinates
Lusting after Beyonce when you're a lesbian is like having a crush on Jesus. You just don't do it.
Your mission, should you decide to accept it, is to pick up rum, beer, and cigarettes. Your holiday will self-destruct if you ignore this message.
He threw up on my head while I was blowing him, and then I started barfing, and the kitchen floor was a mess. Believe me, he will never, ever live this down.
Is banging someone in the national guard considered a state service or a national one?
it's a shower with the lights off kind of day
I had to break up with her. She was sending me study schedules and recipes for vegan lasagna. I’m just trying to survive man
So... my daughter's new girlfriend Is the daughter of the girl I dated on and off in college Who ran away because she got pregnant at my house party. My Legitimate daughter Is probably fucking my Illegitimate daughter...
Randomize
