My balls are about to become a huge part of your mouth's life
I think I took your hangover as a birthday present
i wish i could just chop off my fat with a knife..i would rather endure that than work out
I'm at McDonalds and when I walked up to the register the guy said "I'm so sorry." Before I said a word. That's how bad my hangover is.
After all you put him through, I think it was only right that you saluted the bartender when you left.
We drank a $4 handle of tequila until 5 am. Please think about that.
so I woke up without pants, but my cardigan was still on and fully buttoned. curious.
About to fuck some random fraternity guy I met at a party. I guess this would be the right time to say I don't want to be with you anymore.
This is to remind you the pizza is in the dishwasher birthday boy eat it before it goes on
I swear, its like my old fuck buddies have a 6th sense for when I'm going to be daydrunk. Then they start texting me. And then I start sexting them
Uuh, dude you came running out of the bar screaming you didn't want to hear that song, ran face first into a truck, spun around 3 times and hit the sidewalk. I tried to catch you.
I have been referring to it as "thanks for getting out of me day" all week. Do you think they will still take me to brunch tomorrow?
I'm not driving across town for three thrusts and an excuse
it says 'tasty bitch' in sharpie on my tits...
woke up to my little sister's best-friend's boyfriend in my bed, but how's your saturday going?
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