Hey when I die alone will you come by often enough so that my cats don’t eat my face?
just fell over trying to sit on the toliet like a robot.
My butt just had a miscarriage. It was yours. I'm sorry. You would have been a great sexually confused parent.
Now we are really drunk and her 17 yr old cousin is shitfaced. He may or may not have proposed a toast to octopuses and double fisting. And we just drank to Mexico.
Thank god i puked near the cancer center. makes me look like a chemo patient
Yeah. I was about to call 911 but I ended up breaking the door frame off then ran and puked all the way home.
I just walked in on my sixteen year old sister soaking her tampon in vodka. I go to Berkeley. And they think she's the good daughter.
Yeah, first time I've shit my pants in my twenties... I'm thinking about putting it on my Facebook timeline
Woke up, moved an empty handle of fireball to spit blood, then put the morning cigarette out in it.
Never let a one night stand shower at your place. My razor, lotion, and brush disappeared. #girlcode
You don't know what lonely is until you've came in an Arby's Napkin
Be safe. If you have intercourse with a boy use so many condoms this his penis is no longer recognizable.
Dude if I had a dollar for everytime she asked me to do weird shit with her when we were fucking I'd have like 4$
it wasnt weird until his dog watched upclose as i put a tampon in
You're lucky I just like fucking you because you would really suck at being a boyfriend.
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