He started yelling "we're making a baby" mid thrust.. probably not the right guy for me right?
That girl would be great looking if she lost 1000 pounds and cut off her head.
Last night I ate the rest of the salsa with my hands. And i DONT have a hangover? Glorious.
At the wedding. Seated next to the bar. No way this ends well
Goats are brash and offensive and cocky animals
Are you high and at a petting zoo again?
I bruised my vagina when I was climbing out of the trash can.
He showed up at my door at 3 AM wearing a Santa hat with a tiara attached.
I just took the kind of shit that makes your eyes well up with tears as you feel it moving inside of you... So cleansing.
As your only female friend, I feel the need to inform you that texts like these are why she dumped you.
Happy 420. I woke up to a girl smoking weed and dragging me out of bed. Chemistry makes so much sense high.
She was from Wisconsin, she had great boobs... I mean... It's a dairy state....
I ate mushroom chocolates & went to the botanical gardens for Christmas. HAPPY FUCKING HOLIDAYS
I have found random beers stashed in my purse and microwave... Apparently I thought 2015 was gonna have a beer shortage
Tinder in Coventry is like browsing a gallery of mugshots from Azkaban
I was sleeping and woke up in the bathroom already puking like i slept walk. Perrrrrrfect.
soo... how was my night?
Randomize
