Glitter + Penis = Best. Idea. Ever.
Now that my 6 day bender is behind me, I just realized I might have been the one who took a shit in our mailbox that past few days.
She fucking ripped my chandelier out of my ceiling. How does that make her a keeper?
The fact that he is from Canada is way more embarrassing than the fact that you met him on match.com
Somehow he made it really romantic
He came on your tits... That doesn't scream romance to me.
i made this one couple from ohio so uncomfortable that they left....and that was WHEN I HAD PANTS ON
and i do believe that will be the last time you send me a photograph of our mother in her underwear.
I just baby talked my cat. While getting ready for bed... Before 10 on a Friday. I'm officially a cat lady.
So... I woke up on a bench with a honey bun on my chest.
DO NOT SLAP ANYONE WITH ANY VEGAN MEAT PATTIES
I was telling my friend about your penis and the only word I could think of was voluptuous. You have a voluptuous dick.
Maybe not Elvis quality pharmaceuticals...But some good stuff
Did you actually just quote Ace Ventura during a sext!?
You know it
Dammit now I have to marry you
Had phone sex with my boss who I still haven’t seen in person. How’s your Monday ?
i've hit rock bottom. Eating pringles and playing taylor swift on guitar in my underwear at 11am on a wedensday morning. Sober.
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