Every time we go downtown I ask myself why we live in Des Moines
so i think im going to actually use my calories on food today instead of beer.
I asked for a dramatic "funeral" look for my makeup. They judged me.
Been in the ER for 3 hours now. This hospitals transition to paperless is not going well. But my doctor looks like Elton John and just gave me percocet
He just texted me from the outside of the hospital. He called the fat broad in the bar mrs snuffleupagus about 60 times and she broke a bottle of blackberry brandy over his head.
This juggling 3 dicks is getting exhausting
I honestly don't think it will ever get topped. Unless a real female cop arrests me, then fucks me. That's it.
She said, after pronouncing how sober she was, and I quote 'Take this bag, it's so heavy it's like 500 degrees! Wait, is it time to go? Can I run? I think I can run!' Then she ran away.
I just love that a strip club has taco Tuesday.
I'm trying to find a fanny pack so I can bring pizza on my run
It's such a sad loss when a hot guy finds Jesus and grows a neckbeard
Ryan. I woke up. At the neighbors house. And by the neighbors. I mean the ones to the north. The ones that hate us. Please call me. I am so confused and you are gone
At the neighbors house?! Like in it or outside???
In it on the fucking couch. No idea how i got here.
I woke up saran wrapped to a chair....
honestly performing my own hysterectomy would hurt less than my cramps right now.
Throwing up in a storm drain... Not my finest moment.
But my shoes looked boss
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