70 feet underwater and I sharted my wetsuit, Tide pen won't clean this up.
guy in the car over is getting some terrible road head. he just gave me a thumbs down when he noticed i was watching.
Ok so the guy below me is either having sex very loudly or is very lonely
I just saw two girls throwing up in the bathroom. they were high-fiving under the stall...
It's sad really how 5 am brings with it a distinction from drunken to pathetic.
She checked into foursquare right as she left work so he would think she was there late and not on some other guy's dick
I have to say for barely passing high school, that girl is a genius.
You asked my mom "who the fuck drives four hours to sleep in a guys bed and not touch his penis"
May or may not be going home with my jamitor. i'm kiddong, btw, i have no idea. i'll let you know soooon.
He was drinking a long island through his Breathalyzer tube.
I really hope jumping jacks prevent pregancy because I'm kind of banking on it right now, do you know why there's a unicycle in the corner of my room?
Before I left he insisted on serenading me with a ukalele. I might be a little bit in love
This isn't fair. Why can't sober me be good at bejeweled?
Thanks for your faith in my ability to stay sober while writing final essays. It's...unearned.
And here I am, playing fetch with my cat at two in the morning.
U dont jog and buy condoms n bulk
Randomize
