He chugged from a bottle of wine and then we had pretend sex
How do you have pretend sex?
It was bad...so it was pretend
You better have your party panties on Saturday!
Why only Saturday?
Well I have an AA meeting Sat morning so I'm going to try to take it easy Fri.
I vomited in the sink and my bra was in there...I don't even have words to describe this hangover confusion
well the hot one passed out so thats that, but then the fat one made chicken nuggets....totally worth it
my dad just asked me if my booty call guy that comes over at 3am and leaves at 6 would like to stay for sunday brunch next week. you in?
you're being stingy. if you didnt want people to have sex on your couch, you shouldve specifically said so.
She just passive-aggressively stripped in the kitchen while humming the theme to Doug.
I ended up driving home on my birthday, he opened the door to puke on the highway, and animal balloons were flying out of the car the entire time. The people behind us got a show.
I couldn't figure out her damn button fly jeans... IM NOT A FUCKING ENGINEER
I was living a snoop dogg song I fucked her on the floor so I wouldn't mess up my bed
Also, beer. Big fan.
Ya. My thumbs are those buffalo's, but my legs are spirits and my torso is that Indian guys and my head is the eagle
I sewed up my pants, stole his girlfriends white shirt, and went to work hungover like a responsible adult.
Wow my largely unnecessary pool of lizard-related knowledge finally came in handy. Are you proud?
I don't know what to say
I'm drinking vodka. Get ready for my famous "come over" mass snapchats
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