I slept walked to the toilet and woke up pooping. Easily one of the most disorienting events of my life.
they need to just BURY HIM!
He was on Keeping Up with the Kardashians it was like a deed from god to bang him
She started howling at the moon. That was pretty much the deal breaker.
You insisted on going outside so you could "breathe real air".
So, we estimated there is at least 40 pounds of boob in our house.
My Instagram consists mostly of drag queens and people who dress up as power rangers... I'm pretty sure I'm an unclassified category of gay
This is the Santa Claus of hangovers. It just keeps giving.
I was picked up from his hotel room at 5 a.m. and came home with my panties and jäger in a McDonald's bag so the desk attendant wouldn't judge me. This is what single at 25 is about.
Well i would have gone to the bar but Satan decided to hold his rituals in my uterus.
Twice. I only peed my pants twice tonight.
You opened the door to your apartment and shrieked "THE CHAIR IS GONE!" then punted a bag of votive candles
i feel like ive seen the light, but not in the nasty christian way. thats gross. say no to jesus, kids
I've been on the cocaine and semen diet for the last 24 hours, lunch sounds great.
so let me get this straight you just stared at his boner all night?
Randomize
