you lied vaginas dont taste like gold fish!
noo i said youre golden if her vagina tastes like fish!
Just had a girl agree to give me a blowjob in exchange for wearing my jacket during class. Talk about successful negotiations. Best day of my life
I wish I has some fucking Fairy God Parents, I want a kit kat so bad.
So I woke up today with someone's door knob in my pocket. I hope everbody else got out of the house ok.
Is there any way to un-invite somebody to a wedding? I just checked out the other family, and I can't have a cockblock there.
Saw a guy in a chef outfit covered in mustard talking jiberish into his phone running across the skywalk.
Eberyones makin fun of me cuz I found a snail and caught him and put him in a bocks for u
Yeahhh, everybody is so helpful when a pretty girl is crying hysterically and has only one shoe and a six pack.
I just passed a truck with its bed lined with a tarp and filled with water with six dudes chilling in the back driving through campus. That looks fun.
I've figured out why I love winter sex. Because I make them leave the beanie on, and we all know I love a man in a beanie.
Also I owe you 20 bucks, a clean towel and a glass of scotch. I'll even throw in a blow job
my human sexuality class is the only class where the porn i watch the night before is relevant to the discussion the next day
After the apocalypse all we'll have is vodka and twinkles.
Have a booty call at 3am, stopped for tacos at 2:30. It's 2:55 and I still haven't ordered but can't jump the curb to get out of line because there is a cop in front of me. What am I doing with my life?
i now know why i keep getting pictures of poop. apparently someone put my number in a girls bathroom saying i am a poop lover.
you text any of them back? this is probably the most women you'll ever have texting you in your life. don't squander a good thing
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