Roller skating + drunkeness + peeing = mess
Princesses don't give blow jobs
Do you think Tom Brady went home tonight and changed his facebook status to "pink with lace"?
I'm like cupid
You're a whore with a bow and arrow
Thank God for cruise control and the Starbucks cup I had to puke in.
Also I think my taxi driver may have just died and we just happen to be on a 35 mph cruise control on 395...
I think my greatest accomplishment today was probably using a bottle opener to get the cap off my fourth drink while holding the cat WITHOUT dropping him.
Oh god, what has my life become?
Today marks the 365th consecutive day of jerkin it. I couldn't have done it without you guys. #onlynewyearsresolutionaccomplished
I'm driving home wearing one sock, boxers, and a tee shirt. That's how good it was
Seriously just told the plant the cheese Pringles are mine.
Specially since he wanted to forget that we even touched, which makes it funnier because I don't think you can take back licking someone's butthole...
I don't know what's worse the fact that I woke up with a clit piercing or the fact that I didn't pay for it.
It smells like grilled cheese and sexual frustration
I'm "drunk text both siblings" drunk.
We are so disgustingly codependent and I wouldn't have it any other way
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