I'm going to save the lime from my McDonald's salad to use in my Corona later tonight.
you didnt have any toilet paper so I just took a shower
Charging the asians next door to us $5 a page to print their final papers because theirs broke. Bars close in 2 hours, lets go
Go on vacation with her and forget to pack pants. I did that once and it worked like a charm.
For some reason I have a hard time believing getting drunk and recreating a movie about singing transvestites is ever very far from a situation you're in.
Last night, I accomplished the impossible. I pissed while riding my bicycle home without pissing all over myself. My Dutch friends gave me a round of applause and said I was now the king of holland.
You were walking around in your swim suit, an open robe, snow boots and a death grip on that handel of captain morgan.
My face feels like its stuck between a ball sack and an asshole.
He wanted to drink hypnotic from my butt crack. I need to move out this state.
Is he the circus guy or the bi-curious street preacher?
This couch is so comfortable I can tell if it's like a waterbed or I pissed myself
She got engaged last night. I don't think you should ask her out man.
I worked all year for this tax return. I deserve to get my nipples pierced.
Between fucking and sleeping I woke up missing four out of five of the earrings I was wearing. It's like a star rating system. I had to give him props.
You think I could convince him that having sex with another girl isn't cheating?
Randomize
