mom just said that her bf is good in bed. fml.
i am watching a movie about a vagina with teeth and then you sent that to me while im eating sushi.
Do you want the good news or bad news first?
bad news
The bad news is i thew up on your bed, the good news is i found out who ate your cheetos.
so, on facebook you can become a fan of butt sex, and also premarital sex, but not premarital butt sex, which is what I was aiming for.
I thought Christmas was going to come before I did
Keeping hand sanitizer and lube in the same drawer in the same size bottle = awful idea
I still have your handprint on my ass. You're not allowed to ignore me yet.
She sprinted out of the bathroom and ran all the way into the middle of the street. Five minutes later she came back with a banana nut muffin. She's that kind of drunk.
He said you stopped mid-fuck, called fives on his dick, walked out to grab another drink, and came back.
HOW DO I ALWAS FIND THEM?! THERE WAS BE A SOCIETY OF SMALL PENISED MEN AND I MUST BELONG TO IT!
Bar selfie Saturday turned into bar nudie Saturday in a hurry. I need to delete my snapchat...
I don't know, I think having hemorrhoids shows character. You have to be trying pretty hard to get them.
Btw, if I didn't have 3 limbs in restraints and my free hand offing myself with the pocket rocket, I would have snap chatted you. Next time.
if i dont text back till morning its cause i turned my phone off and changed my password to something i wont remember to stop myself from drunk texting...RESPONSIBILITY
I seriously doubt I'm gonna be able to properly put your dick in my mouth whilst upside down, but I'm willing to give it my best shot
I love you. Go after that dick
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