I just saw a woman parallel park a horse. Awesome. Only in New York..
You can tell alot about a person by their poo.. For example, he was a smoker.
You and I should start a club for people who woke up on outside on a bench with no idea how they got there.
Did you spray paint that captain morgan fifth that's in the freezer gold?
someone made her a trophy at 4 in the morning and presented it to her in the bathtub
Thanksgiving. This year's theme: I am thankful that I still have a liver.
It's 9am. I'm four lines ahead of you already. Wake up.
Batteries died. I don't care that you're studying for the bar. Come over. Bring the law books and study after. I'll even make coffee.
I just puked in my courtyard and dripped toothpaste in my chest hair. You better be getting laid or this drunk is wasted.
Started my day with puking in a trash can.... Its gonna be a beautiful day
I mean, he drove your car and it burst into flames, if anyone cant be trusted, it's him.
Our nipples touched last night. It was tender.
So I ate half a jar of mayo because I thought it would cure a hangover. I thought wrong.
I went to a party last night....I stole all of their ornaments and the toaster oven.
They weren't kidding when they said "Go Army Strong." Best sex I ever had.
Randomize
