meet me in the bathroom in 10 mins.
wait what? who are you hooking up with in the bathroom?!
aww shit wrong text.
Just walked past a girl wearing nothing but flip flops and an oversized sweatshirt crying by the front gates eating pizza. i just found your soulmate.
I wonder what a non-hungover friday at work is like
I envy the lives of milf's kids, the little kid grabs her tits and she just laughs and says not now
so I was at the house for 3min to grab my bathing suit & tequila. You know, the go-to weekend combination
They asked if I was about to puke and my response was to laugh and suddenly throw up. Continuing my asshole streak I kept laughing while still vomiting.
He showed up 3 hours late wearing roller skates and acted like nothing was wrong with that.
I dunno. It's not as good as 'devourer of cocks' but I suppose few things are.
There were midgets. And vodka. If you don't appreciate the awesomeness of that sentence, read it again.
I'm laying in my house looking at chocolate pudding drip from the ceiling onto my partially erect penis... Yay for shrooms!
But like it was sooo bad! At one point he tried to flip me over and he fell off the bed
you're welcome to come here, except my beds from ikea so it's more unstable than i am
When he said he lived in a closet I thought he meant his room was really small or something... But he actually has a queen size mattress on the floor of his roomates walk-in closet.
Bahahah I should. I’m the free range drunk girl who should clearly not be free range because who knows what kind of fuckery I would get into
I don't mean to alarm you but are the strongest testicles in the family. I just learned I can lift 90 lb with my balls! Beat that.
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