Maybe I lied like you did about your herpes.
Great parenting moment: noticing your kid is going to puke from gorging fish sticks and sending her outside. Then watching her puke on your dog.
Its official. 'Jingle Bell Rock' gives me a boner. Thank you Lindsay Lohan & Rachel McAdams.
update: ifinallt managed t5o be in a. Horizontal position without throwing up... the snmall victories.
He said he wanted to go to France " just to piss in the nice areas". I want to fuck him.
i cant believe im seriously wearing his ex girlfriends underwear right now
I have a cracked rib, no way in hell I'm bottoming for him tonight!
My new roommate just announced that she got her period, popped a percoset, smoked a bowl, and started playing a video game. She says she's not moving till it's over. New hero?
There's mini weenies and empanadas everywhere...
please let it be arousing that I used numbers to figure out how well I'd give you head
Go to a building you've never been before and take a shit. It's marvelous
what do we think the timeline is for when your liver will begin to revolt against your drinking habits?
I'm chasing my vodka with snickers.
We went there specifically for you to break it off with him and I walk in on you two in the bathroom with his dick in your mouth
but he had pizza... so i win
I give up.
It’s 830 am and the amount of Valentine’s Day snaps I’ve already seen makes me either want to vom, drink a bottle of wine, or buy chocolate
1000% No lie I was just looking on insta and was thinking about taking a bottle of wine to the face..
Randomize
