PS - I'm in bed with an 18 yr old-am I a cougar?
No - puma.
Kris Allen: Jason Mraz mixed with John Mayer and a splash of orgasmmm
If he eats mayonnaise, he's not getting laid. End of story.
Thanks for making me watch you dance provacatively by yourself in the bathroom so you could see if you looked fat.
other girls like to lick balls but none of them live for it like u do
He used his one phone call to tell me not to let anyone drink all his vodka until he could bail himself out.
We have to use a contraceptive. God help the world if another one of us comes into fruition.
Found a single cinnamon toast crunch between my butt cheeks. We did work last night
I don't care if there's a party or not. I just want to be half naked in a cape with a never-ending supply of alcohol within arm's length at all times. Make it happen.
That last minute feeling of hesitation on whether I should bring my health card to the bar usually means I'm in for a good night.
Funny how I'm trusting a magic 8 ball I found in the kids toy section to tell me about my sex life
It's 7:30pm and we've already lost someone and had to run from the cops. What the fuck did you put in the punch?
hooked up with him and then had a conversation with his ex about how we hate people who hook up with our exs...
Woke up with a lip tattoo that says "fake news" in case you're wondering about my wellbeing
i can't believe i helped you shave your back last night, and she still didn't sleep with you.
Randomize
