i just had 3 doubles lined up on top of a urinal, texting with one hand and my dick in the other. I an fucking awesome.
so let's talk penis.
Who spends 33 dollars at Taco Bell and lives???
First date. He's wearing a tuxedo shirt and keeps asking me about our future children. Escape plan #3 is now in action...
Is it horrible that I want to keep my purple landing strip until after my gyno apt? I feel like someone beside myself should see it...
she showed up with nothing but olive garden breadsticks in her purse.
My boss just told me not to come back to work if I decide to drink. Challenge accepted.
I said geronimo as I came I'm not sure if he appreciated the doctor who reference or was just confused
I can't take my grandparents out somewhere where I've fucked half the staff.
Don't worry you weren't as drunk as you thought. You only fell 4 times.
I'm sitting here listening to fat joe and doing kegels I have given up
Nothing ruins an orgasm faster than accidentally calling out his boss's name
I just watched my mom pour beer into her vodka and drink it.
My boobs look fucktastic, I have a booty call on Sunday and a dick photo on my phone. Life is grand!
FACT: You were laying down on top the bar letting randoms do bodyshots off you until someone told theyre friend "its time to roll, i wanna hit another bar" and you literally rolled your self right off the bar. have fun explaining your bruises tomorrow
Randomize
