My girlfriend went down on me and as she did she hummed the theme from star wars and pretended my dick was a lightsaber...I'm buying the engagement ring tomorrow
so that guy from last night texted me saying i flashed half of my extended family last night. so classy.
The is a pregnant woman in this Chipolte wearing a shirt that simply says ‘OOPS!’ across the tummy.
That baby is bound to be under-loved.
don't leave me alone with all the disney princess sluts
dude she was so drunk she thought Jim Joyce made the right call
Remember when you tried to pay that stripper to cry on stage?
This is going to be a 3 day beach sex fest. Do you understand
It's a bathroom floor kind of morning.
I will not fuck this loser. I will not fuck this loser. I will not fuck this loser.
Well I blew a guy I barely know in full view of a homeless camp. That's pretty tame for me.
We need to figure out what we are doing for halloween asap. I'm not going out like a punk ass bitch burger king again this year.
By the end of the first quarter he was so hammered he was pouring beer into the crockpot with the miniature hot dogs and BBQ sauce saying he loved the supper bowl and he loves taking mini weinies to the face
That awkward moment when you are on your way to ICU and the only sympathy gift you can think of is beer and whiskey
I'm sorry about the spring break comment. I won't make anymore pornos, I promise.
His sister gave me the "if you hurt him I will break your neck" talk. I didn't know how to tell her we're not a couple.
Randomize
