yo I wanna see you, bring that beard of yours
guess who just spent driver's ed figuring out how to draw a guy giving head
can you explain why there is a dead rabbit in my front seat?
idk, I had a turtle in mine.
in hindsight, $10 Malibu buckets were a terrible idea...
The biggest loser is alot easier to jack off to at the end of the season
You were high and telling me you felt like Pinocchio and that fire was bad for wood.
I just handed the barista at Starbucks a panty liner instead of my card....maybe I should upgrade this Tall to a Venti...
You know you gotta reevaluate your life when the first thought that comes to mind after you wake up is 'at least I'm still alive'
I'm like a savant for remembering names I learned while I was drunk. Seriously, I'm three for three. I'm on a roll.
You understand the drunkenness of my drunkenness
Best sex of my life. But I think it's because I like his apartment. Really nice bed sheets. High vaulted ceilings. I wanted to lay there forever.
You're getting old. Was it located in a nice school district for your future offspring?
Tell me why i'm looking through my medical records and the last thing it said about my labor was 'vagina was explored'!?
Last night I had a dream that I changed my last name to Vodka. what does that say about my life?
I yelled at your uterus for you.
Ok, as his sister I didn't tell you this but he's very familiar with pregnancy symptoms. So next time he calls you fat freak him the hell out by asking if your ankles look swollen.
Randomize
