If someone cant be won over with guacomole and tequila they are not worth your time.
I know man...but i cant pass up a catholic school girl fantasy
stumble upon led me to how to make wine in prison, followed by wedding dresses. it knows my life too well
im sorry, I just can't fuck a guy who can't receive picture messages
I woke up to ritz crackers on the lawn, a keystone behind the hedge and puke on the rental car... i think that we have become that house...
I walked in on you rubbing your nose all over his face while straddling him and yelling "I'M SO SORRY!" repeatedly. I'd say you were in pretty good shape at that point in the night.
How do people deal with hangovers? I literally want to eat my own face.
I distinctly remember calling the anesthesiologist a "sneaky little bastard" directly to his face
Please brint me miilk. I am on the floor but my door is open. Thank you, i appreciate u verry much.
You know it's a good weekend when you wake up on Sunday questioning your sexuality.
So the other day we finished having sex and he literally said "what are we going to do about your vagina?" Like, I hadn't even dismounted him yet.
Look, he's a hot korean guy with a motorcycle and a great ass. I'm gonna do head-titingly kinky shit with him.
He was really cute! And I know but it's just like getting my fix ya know? He's basically a human vibrator.
Life update: This fucking MacBook repair guy called me over last night for a booty call and he didn’t have a condom OR a bed
can you bring the lube to algebra tomorrow
Randomize
