everytime i eat a fruit i feel like i'm eating ovaries
just woke up in my neighbors garage.
scratch that. I'm like 6 miles from my house in a random garage.
how was your day?
fuck the small talk. are you bringing the liquor tonight or am i?
it's like, God thought about making her pretty then changed his mind at the last second
The drunken tricycle race really added some class to the Tour de Franzia. Until everyone wiped out and started puking.
I was mixing candy canes and coors light and was in a great place.
Well... When your girlfriend fucks your sister, the 2 week courtesy window goes out the door.
You know you're an adult when you break 100 to get 75 cents, to buy a condom from a bar vending machine in South Boston.
Having to grow a landing strip to cover the bruises from pole dancing. Thanks for the birthday present, but next time, maybe just a gift card?
Forgot to tell you--the bartender at Crowbar set his arm on fire last night. He was doing this "Cocktail" bartender trick of pouring alcohol that was on fire between glasses. Then some leaked out, onto his arm, and set his arm on fire, then his shirt. Exciting! (And he's ok).
I got another blow job proposal last night. Skills.
So I just noticed that my last drunk google search before going to bed last night was "ghosts based on gays." I have no idea what that's supposed to mean
I'm starting to notice a direct correlation between blackouts and broken bones...
I miss your drunken presence, and strong odor of hard liquor and potent weed.
So what if is hockey, you don’t turn down sex with a professional athlete. They work out all day and have amazing stamina. Your vagina will thank you!
Randomize