btw he is cheating on one twin with the other. the main woman in his life has a mullet. I defiantly have either the coolest or weirdest uncle ever
She devotes each year to either men or women. I waited all year for her to be straight, tonights the night.
WHAT? When did I ever refer to one of my past hookups as "the rainforest guy"?
Hey. Be honored that I consider you the genital expert. I know alot of candidates for the position.
Gold rum. Strong marijuana. Jabba the Hut in stilettos. Deep thigh bruise. Yes, thal all happened. Sorry dude.
Which outfit says "I'm sorry for your loss but we're still banging later"?
I am drinking green tea.... My liver is in shock
I just want to emotionally destroy him but also find out how big his dick is so this is perfect
he cancelled our romantic dinner reservations so we could stay home and watch a Rocky movie marathon and order pizza. i know i should be upset but i think i'm kinda in love.
Last night you told me you "were too high" and didn't deserve a hashbrown.
Don't talk to me about lonely until you're eating marshmallows for dinner in your underwear watching House of Cards for 12 hours straight. I hate all you couples
Son of a bitch took my liquid eyeliner
I was supremely disappointed in the lack of dick and doughnuts in my life last week.
I just found out through a drunken phone call that my parents thought I'd grow up to be a porn star. It's kind of scary how accurate they were at how skilled I'd be at sex.
He asked me to describe my life outside work. I responded with "Home-wrecker.
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