you know what would be great? if dirt tasted like steak and could get you drunk.
For some reason, Oliver from Hannah Montana reminds me of pudding.
That's cute.
When i asked him what happened all he said was, the toucan... the toucan... over and over again.
Legitimately semi-blackout across the table from the governor off a chardonnay i can't even pronounce.
BING! You are now free to move about my panties. He just left for work.
It wasn't a mystery that it was the pizza cooking in the oven when we stumbled out of the bedroom in a smoke filled apartment at 2am. We are dangerous drunks
We get drunk and make out in different places. Is that what love is?
Have you ever felt like autocorrect is judging you with its suggested words? Like how it won't suggest certain words until you type in pretty much the entire word, is it just thinking 'No way did this dude use "consent laws" in the same sentence as "17th?" Or is that just me.
Yo, how much weed can I get for a caf swipe?
Just went to court for a citation. Guess who my DA was? That girl I ATM'd last weekend. No ticket for me!
Also this just in, I think you could see my sequins underwear that say unwrap me through my leggings all day while I hung out with his family
In honor of Super Tuesday, we should have the sex tonight.
Just once, I'd like to make it to my first wedding anniversary for a change.
Well you went to the bar with your crutches last night & everyone including the DJ started chanting "put your crutches in the air"
I told him I might be pregnant and he said he'd buy me a test and a twix bar. I'm marrying him. Tomorrow.
Randomize
