So. Did i wake up at 430, try to drive home, stop to throw up at a shell, and try to clean out my car and drop my keys in a full dumpster? Yes.
well yea, now i know i won't get hair in my teeth...
You were pretty fucked up... decided playing hopscotch down the stairs was an excellent idea.. it was extremely entertaining
nothing like baby laughter to ruin a masturbation moment
Just fell asleep during a bikini wax. Thank god for day drinking.
I'm love that we're talking about a possible 3rd 3some, and that you're going to be a dad.
last nights episode of shot friends brought to you by polish vodka and flamingo baseball. pickles cure hangovers.
The ice cream man just told me to use protection.
I performed "get broken glass out of my shoulder" surgery last night... Drunk, with a what-a-burger straw.
I love that your nipples always taste like clean laundry.
Imagine getting smashed in the dick by a basketball. A basketball made of metal. With spikes. That's pretty much what his dick looked like.
He called yelling about whhhhhhiskey and enchiladas I heard sirens in the background last time I talked to him b
Poor guy. Tried so hard to get out of the friend zone. I had to make out with someone in front of him to put him in his place.
highlight of my day: hitchhiking a ride with random locals. tried to make conversation, asked what they do. driver says "you clearly don't recognize me." turns out i have had sex with him and forgot.
You are officially qualified to graduate from college.
What am I supposed to say? "Oh hey, I can't go out with you tonight because I can't picture myself sleeping with you and I was high and just trying to be nice when I said yes"?
Randomize
