You are an awful beat friend I am goin to die in a car accident and then my corpse is going to be used by criminals ala weekend at bernies to rob a bank then my corpse will go to jail Thanks john Thanks for nuthin
Her dad smelled like someone lit a fart and burned their ass hairs.
but i have a bet that her boyfriend is going to try and deflower her tonight so i better get a move on if i want to videotape it
She said "I only hook up with guys I'm dating"
So... What happend then?
We dated for an hour, i broke up with her after. BOOM.
I just want you to know that i just realized your the only friend i dont feel fat around.
we just got kicked out of the mexican restaurant. i have a full pitcher of margarita's hiding under my coat.
these marshmallows taste like mayonnaise. like playing tetris on a gameboy, that's what these marshmallows mean.
I smell like booze and the valet literally buckled me in, def top 3 walks of shame
Just found cake in my bra, debating if I should eat it
dude a monday night stripper made you motorboat her. you should get that checked out
well what the fuck is the POINT of teetotal mardi gras
Eh. Fuck him. He's missing out. I'm legit naked and drinking straight from the bottle of wine.
My ex just brought my grandpa weed. Not sure how I feel about this.
dude, there is no doorman in your lobby and the front door is locked
oh yeah, sorry he's up here at the party. coming now
Just had an emotional break through with the dog. That high.
Randomize
