Facebook lets you pick usernames now. You'd better log on and get yours before homewreckingwhore is taken...
I think my mom's writing a book called how to fuck with your kids when you know they're high
She hadn't heard about the oil spill. She gave dumb blondes a whole new standard to aim for. I did her anyway...but that isn't the point.
This is working out surprisingly well considering it started out with us using a christmas tree as a battering ram
I just remembered our "im drunk enough to look at your vagina" conversation. Is that offer still valid? I really think I need a second opinion
Whatever. I'll just fuck him now and deal with the clingyness later.
i've eaten like 19 popsicles... what the fuck have you done today?
Passing out is my livers way of protecting my mind.
it would be so handy to have a fax machine attached to my body
I wish I could understand how you function in society
Wrapped in a blanket, just ate a whole party pizza. All my dreams are coming true and you don't even care.
You can't just beat off while driving someone else's car. Thats a rule
Thats your rule and this car is nice
Text me later if you aren't dead and wanna have a drink later
Last night a drunk chick tried to lick me. If you are trying to lick the zombies, you are too drunk for the haunted house.
I still can't believe a guy pooped in my backyard
Are you drunk? You left me a voicemail at 5:59 AM of you making dolphin sounds.
Randomize
