My mom gets in bar fights. She doesn't go to bed early.
you poured 3 beers into an empty vase and then passed out, so i drank them for you. don't say i'm not a good friend.
The reason i havent seen you yet better have huge tits
I'm sorry for throwing the cheese everywhere, but it wasn't my fault. No one was enforcing disipline so not really my fault for not behaving
This football player keeps talking about his drunk dad. I think he may start crying. Does this deserve a roll tide?
I may or may not have just ruined a marriage. But in my defense I got all my drinks for free tonight.
I made him say "i realize i'm cheating on my girlfriend" five times aloud before i would hook up with him. Somehow that has to lessen my bad karma
There are twenty thousand men on this campus, please have sex with someone who isn't my drug dealer
I'm surprised I don't have a permanent face imprint between my boobs.
You were so drunk that you didn't even notice when I switched out your shot of jäger for a shot of maple syrup...before or after you drank it.
Last night I somehow got INCREDIBLY wasted & thought it was a good idea to make a group chat with all the guys I'm hooking up with and just say "bye." soo I'm hiding out till next week.
I've been back for one day and I've already given two bjs. Improvement from last year.
But like, I don't remember getting hit with the door... I just come out from peeing and there was blood running down my face.
Just flash them and yell "JUDGE THESE BITCHES"
Dude I just woke up with a dog sleeping on me.
I thought you didnt have a dog??
Exactly.
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