Not sure what happened last night, but there are four mini bikes outside and some guy is wearing my shirt passed out in the breakfast nook. Won't be telling the grand kids about this one.
Well we ran into the cornfields when the cops got there. We'd been hiding in there for 45 mins when he asks me "So this wasn't exactly how I'd planned this but I thought I'd ask. How do you feel about oral sex?"
Not even the dog will look at me anymore.
As a side note, my abs are sore. Most likely cause? Orgasms. Thank you.
2pm: Breaking news alert: I think I'm finally sober. Oh, and that place needs hotter strippers.
Haha o man how much you've grown. From beer bonging wine and wearing cargo shorts to well, beer bonging beer and wearing cargo shorts
I was more than drunk as hell I have rug burn on my elbows from ninja roles on the ground..
This is three metal detector wands away from being the strangest porn I have ever been in the audience for.
I feel like I just did it with Buster from Arrested Development. Taking a shower. #winefail
She wouldn't eat a clam- if you blow a line pregnant you can eat a clam
Oh my fucking god that cat looks just like you after you accidentally took Ketamine
If anyone needs me I'll be in the bathtub, eating fast food and shooting straight vodka while I seriously evaluate my life choices and cry.
Lord give me the strength to not check my tinder messages at my grandmother's wake.
at what point last night did i get this tattoo of an anchor made of dicks?
around eleven
breakfast this morning: omelette, Valium and baileys hot chocolate
Now that sounds like the breakfast of champions
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