You dirty dirty liar I like the way you twitter
the recession has oofficially hit my standards.
You know those ponds where you go and pay $5 and your guarranteed to catch a fish thats how i describe her
Thanks for FaceTime'ing with that ugly chick last night while me and her friend were in the other room. it's good to know I can still count on my wingman even when we're 2000 miles apart
Just saw a porn entitled "Nad Biter". Redheads are now forever out of the picture.
So after I was tied with a feather boa he left me there with KFC and cherry coke
I saw you sitting on top of my car trying to row back home... Did you make it?
She was literally passed out in a cubicle with a flask in her hand. I LOVE finals week!
I swear to God, if you drunkenly correct my grammar one more time, I'm cutting you off.
My Internet history has 23 searches for 24 hour cake. Self respect plummeting.
Ask him to get me chedder bratwurst instead of the molly
Unless if you guys already left. Then I want the molly
Please tell me that I didn't call you to say I was swimming in outter space
Apparently I showed all your grooms men my vagina to prove I did not have underwear on. Awesome
I had to break up with her. She was sending me study schedules and recipes for vegan lasagna. I’m just trying to survive man
It was weird, it was like my heart got a boner. Is this being an adult?
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