I think I've given more of my business cards to Chipotle trying to win free burritos than anyone else
College is just filling the gap until I get a rich girl pregnant
It's kind of sad that your greatest accomplishment today is that you stood up and didn't fall down.
I either just got cockblocked or saved from a lengthy court case so I'm kinda conflicted about how my night went.
Just had a dream about an abnormally large bottle of tequila. No more depressed drinking for me.
Is 10 pm too early to booty call a freshman?
Besides asking our teacher if he enjoyed being fisted did I have any other tragic moments last night?
Until she magically finds a brain, I'm going to be a dick. Fair trade. She's a idiot, I'm an ass.
how the hell were we supposed to out run the cops in a bus?
this is definitely the first time I've ever had an orgasm and then had potatoes smeared on me within the same hour
there was so much lube in my brother's closet...
I am pretty sure I just put SoCo in the bird feeder
hey at least you are getting hit on, i spent all day researching cat sedatives
I LinkedIn messaged people about jobs when I was blacked out
I think someone shaved off all their pubes in the handicap stall or a werewolf stopped by the office to take a crAzy dump!
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