please quote me on this- the only thing worse than being ugly is being ugly and thinking that you're pretty
Ran into my prostitute at Costco yesterday. She was with her boyfriend, I was with my kids. Awwwwkward.
First Thanksgiving as a grown up: My step dad had to take my brother (who still smells like booze) and I both to our cars this morning, apparently we were at the same bars (same stamps), & I think I broke my elbow. Im thankful to be alive & not incarcerated.
No no no...you park the car, stick your tongue down his throat, slip your number in his pocket, invite him to insomnia, and THEN LEAVE. You go from awkward to epic in a matter of seconds.
I just saw a black chick with an eyepatch. This is a once in a lifetime opportunity.
So this whole chlamydia situation totally puts a damper on my back to school sex schedule, there's just no way of knowing who of them was the perpetrator... Time for new candidates
Yeah I was convinced everyone knew I was high. Time was passing way too slowly for anyone NOT to notice.
I swear if he puts my hand anywhere near his dick tonight I'm "accidentally" leaving all my rings on
Grandpa just put 6 jello shots on his plate. My aunt tried to take them away; he flipped her off. Living in the retirement home has hardened him.
We are actually the same person except with opposite genitalia, which are both incredible.
Just want the two of you to know, I went to a golf tournament today. Respectable, expensive… Flipped the golf cart. Seriously, I'm 40. What the fuck?
My night has consisted of googling cat penises and creating a Tinder profile.
So when did "Are you okay?" translate into "Don't tell me you got fucked by another rando after another rager"?
I just noticed, at some point last night I got on iTunes and purchased over 100 classical piano songs.
...Just hit my fuck buddy with my car.
Randomize
