my fingers and penis are no longer on speaking terms. My penis is too jealous of where my fingers get to go.
From now on, just let me go home. I'm tired of hooking up with your roommates... Including you.
no, didnt close...
What?! she made the first move and invited you back to her place. thats like striking out in t-ball pathetic...
You are just a treasure cave of fabulous alcoholic ideas.
Apparently there was a point in the night that they literally thought he was dead, ass naked on the floor. That bad.
I have to cancel. My sons dad is out of jail unexpectedly and i'm kinda an emotional wreck. P.s. This is not the life I dreamed of as a little girl.
You'd think if the campus holds 28,000 undergrad I wouldn't run into three people I've hooked up with in one day
All I could think of during that funeral was how great I look in a suit, how creepy catholics are, and how horny I am.
hand jobs are a waste of time that only lead to arm cramps. Also, where do you look...his eyes, at the penis, at the tv?
yeah the "where to look" question is super awkward
Celebrated the veterans I suppose, my mouth tastes of gin and black outs
I sent him this really overly apologetic text asking him out. It was just sad. Not even 27 shots of whiskey can grow me a self-esteem.
that's what I'm here for. I'm literally just bad advice mixed with motivational sentences.
I doubt the gods of funday Sunday would exact such a high price... But it's good to know an afternoon with me is worth a left foot.
So it turns out strippers do encores if enough people yell. Encore song: Self Esteem.
I'm not just straddling the line between love and hate, I'm dry humping the shit out of it
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