How the fuck did you go into work today? You are a better man than I. I couldn't even show up to being unemployed on time.
Why is half of me covered in green stuff that won't come off?
You stripper-danced on a light pole in the quad. It had fresh paint on it.
...you put a chicken patty in my toaster last night..
its 9am. i just got home. spent 6 hours blowing him in a closet last night
Hey. I found $5 in quarters from one of those state quarter collection books. I'm using it for food tomorrow.
It's like trying to pry an octopus off you. Except the octopus speaks English and can get drunk.
It would be been irresponsible not to make cleaning the apartment into a drinking game
dude you cant keep breaking into my house just to raid my fridge.. especially at 3AM.
are we at that level where i can tell you your girlfriends tits looked really good yet?
He told everyone he was freezing their keys so they couldn't drive drunk. When I opened the freezer this morning, my keys were at the bottom of an unfrozen ice cream tub of vodka.
Trying to find a reliable dealer on Rockfordmugshots.com. Guy arrested for 15 grams of coke could be him !
You realize those people have been ARRESTED recently. right.
I made out with drunk Joe Dirt and then put his mullet wig on for him. True Halloween romance.
We got really high and he took a green marker and made my vagina into a Christmas tree.
From the bottom of my heart, thanks for never sending me unsolicited dick picks.
I need to show you how I feel about you by fucking you repeatedly.
Randomize
