I just found a frying pan...in my bed.
I hate how you keep a running list of people who have seen me naked.
Surefire way to sober up: discover that your car is being towed at 2 am.
i had to pay fifty dollars for throwing up in the limo, 60 fucking dollars to throw up all over myself
It finally happened. My conscience stopped working. I've never felt so free
Made it home ok. Only got hit by one car.
You demanded I give you a glass of water, so I set it down in front of you and you knock it over and roll in it..,
I wanted to be a dolphin.
Made up a full house drinking game
On my way.
Why am I not blowing coke off your ass at my apartment?
All I know is I was bleeding, she was bleeding, we stole someone's Lucky Charms, and then I made you guys order a pizza
A toast to whoever set this year's daylight savings fallback to the day after halloween, granting us another hour to detox before we pretend to be functional adults. Clearly, a partier with forethought and clear priorities. Cheers!
Our office went out together for the first time to celebrate the fact our coworker got fired.
If you binge watch Bill Nye Saves the World without me you can consider yourself single
I need something that says "I'm gay sometimes but I feel scorned by my straight, non-committal lover, so I'm here to get drunk and make out, and possibly end up in a bathroom with someone who's name I won't remember tomorrow"
I'm sitting on the couch playing the sims, how's ur night going?
I'm sitting on my floor, drinking wine, and listening to bette midlers "wind beneath my wings"
Why are our lives so predictable?
Randomize
