Mr ***** is in bed with his super hot wife giving her 18 inches of pleasure
Why is it that every time I type the word "give" my phone spells out HIV?! You know how many people i've told I want to HIV them something!
I went to moterboat her and I started laughing, so I just kinda blew on them... I think I'm gona call that move the sailboat.
he texted me at 1 in the morning to ask if i wanted to come over and play in the snow with him
at least he gets points for a creative booty call
She celebrated a negative pregnancy test by going out to Quizno's. I really don't understand her at all.
It was cool in an 'oh shit I'm gonna get arrested' way.
He told him to "throw up in my mouth like I'm a baby bird."
Starting the weekend with a pair of pants on which the zipper wont stay up. Is this a sign of things to come??
In last nights drunken stupor i apparently purchased a luxury travel package for two to Australia. So uh...get a passport and clear your schedule for next month
Didn't know where your dishes went. Put em in the bathtub. They're stacked taller than you. It's like modern art.
I want a shirt that says, "I'm sorry for the things I said when it was Taco Tuesday"
Wait... so you had sex and then your ear drum ruptured? I'm not sure if I want to ask if the two are related...
I just made myself orgasm twice and Laura lee hit 4 million subscribers. It’s a good day everywhere
i just want to cuddle, make out and maybe have a boob grabbed but no. someone has to have mono.
We're pretty sure we got naked at Pride, so running the two blocks to your place in my underwear is a step up the dignity ladder really.
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