There were 3 chicks in my bed I didn't know when I got home. Now I know all of them. Biblically.
if i hear one more christmas song, i will fucking shoot myself.
just woke up in the hotel with gummi bears all around me and someone took the tv
we took the tv and as for the gummi bears don't eat them you put em in her vagina
Just so everyone's clear, it was already on fire when I got there.
don't let me wipe my vag with a dirty leaf outside of mcdonalds ever again.
Note to self: Do not bring gift bag with cock ring inside to family Christmas. Leave to unwrap at home.
His exact words were "Can I meet your vagina?" I kept wondering if he was going to try to shake hands with it...
I spent the morning naked in her roommates closet because her parents decided to come over after church..
I just woke up naked next to a GetGo sandwich and I can hear my cats are eating my combos. So that's my life.
I feel like I owe her child an apology or something after blowing my load on the tattoo she has of her.
So I'm already mostly naked in a kind of bed but obviously too lazy to take my boots off. It's like January 1st is already here
I found dried jizz from last night on my leg while feeding an infant a bottle. I am not fit to care for children
Is it appropriate to send an apology gift to his roommates for breaking the bathroom sink during crazy sex?
Having sex with him is like yoga. I do it in the morning and then can't walk for three days afterwards.
I'm sorry I get my lefts and rights confused because I'm dyslexic. But, it took you at least 15 minutes to figure out it wasn't your room OR YOUR HUSBAND.
Randomize
