Guy passed out in the lobby with a keychain sharpie hanging from his belt loop. 1 guest came in and wrote on him, then others saw and got in line. I'm not waking him up.
Went to anytime fitness at 3:34 am drunk after the the bar and getting whataburger. Lifted weights with my cheeseburger between my knees. That's called DEDICATION.
Is it hot in here? Is the room moving? Its moving. The room is moving. Its spinning like a top. Have you ever been covered in puke? What are you doing?
He asked if I smoke and I said "only fools like you on the basketball court!" Then I started crying. I think I'm about to have my period.
I think I died last night. I had 14 beers..well 13 1/2 if you count the one that got spilled on the baby in the elevator.
Just walked into the bar to find a guy in a Boba Fett helmet leaning casually against the wall, texting. This night just got real.
For real, I've been ditched by my boyfriend twice today alone. I fucking shaved for this guy.
Somewhere out there, Gloria Steinem just started to cry.
Well... I got her number now... I think she is a dish best served drunk
He wore the same cologne as my orthodontist so all I could think about was how I hadn't worn my retainer in months
The amount of drunk I'm going to get tonight will be somewhere between Jim lahey and bojack horseman
Will you rub my calves while I masturbate?
Just cropdusted a little kid that wouldn't get out of my way in Kroger. Welcome to the real world bitch.
After round two, I told him he deserves an award. He bowed and did a princess wave WHILE his dick was still inside me.
Remember that time we were together? Yeah, I don't miss that.
Put my boyfriend in a chastity cage while he was passed out last night. Now I control his orgasms.
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