i finally understand why guys leave in the middle of the night.......they got it right
Everyone knows that the fastest route to a corporate advancement is to take a shot in the mouth
Having skype sex with him in the lounge at 1:45am...THIS IS WHAT HE DOES TO ME
You're going to have to tell him your name isn't Ivor McTruckson eventually.
I hope your fat roommate breaks the bunkbed and crushes you in your sleep
NO. FUCK YOU. I HOPE SOMEONE REPLACES YOUR LUBE WITH HOT SAUCE.
Nothing like a little chlamydia diagnosis to ring in the new year
My autobiography will be 500 pages of the words "I probably should've thought this through" typed over and over.
Maybe it’s too soon to casually tell the boss that I went to Tulsa for some dick last night
dude the dog literally grabbed the condom out of the trash can and threw it in the air i'm screaming
My mom has tinder, she is 45 and has her age setting at 18-29. And she still gets more matches than me
She pulled out a water gun filled with vodka and called it her weapon of choice tonight. She's fine.
Apparently I drunkenly told him I was going to ride him to the rodeo and break him like a bronco, then I stole his nachos and beer. Adulting is hard!!!
Spotify says I’m in the top 1% of Indigo Girls fans worldwide. Didn’t know I would peak this early.
Aren’t you trying to seem...less lesbian?
I refuse to shit my pants for anyone except Cher and Christina Aguilera!
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