just started drinking the sprite you used to ice your crotch last night. Missing you already
I SWALLOWED her nuva ring. Please tell me how your night could have been worse.
I was officially considered the drunkest person in cuba when the bartender at the swim up bar made me wear a life jacket for 'safety purposes'
I promise not to drug you or anything. Please come to my birthday party.
I was informed that last night we held hands while puking on the curb outside the bar.
We just have a real special relationship.
I had a moment while I was smoking where I was looking at these palm trees and I knew how dr Seuss came up with his characters.
I'm going on a valentine's date with the random guy i hooked up with in the bar bathroom this weekend...i feel like julia roberts
Me. blonde. Sex. Dance floor.
shes taking the breakup well, i walked in on her naked passed out wearing a turban with a bag of peanut butter choc chips in hand at 5 in the afternoon.
Seriously-without actually meaning the statement for it's words- that made me want to put a baby in you.
I think I should start a match.com profile and put "robe lounging" as my only hobby
why does CNN give a flying $@*# about the royal baby so, so much?
i hope they name him Joffrey
we're the same shoe size and he owns more pairs of heels than i do. this could be the beginning of a beautiful friendship
Oh! You were the one walking around cradling the bottle of Fireball all night!
I wish more of my problems were easily solvable by taking a good long shit.
Randomize
