we were in your room and your mom was singing twinkle twinkle little star in the hallway. so you decided to scream "twinkle? TWINKLE! What Fucking little star?!"
you told me your penis was albino and it couldnt be exposed to light so you needed to keep it in me
Todays life lesson brought to you by last nights half pitchers of cheap sangria: you'll never get the stain or the SMELL of sangria vomit out of your bedroom carpet.
If you don't come out tonight, who's going to wake us up in the morning because they're fucking in the middle of the room where everyones sleeping?
If we don't rescue him from the fat chick soon, she is going to eat him alive and suck the marrow from his bones.
i really need to shower, but i don't want to take off my bra and lose my cleavage. the struggle
I feel like she is getting all kinds of bacterial exposure that may otherwise have been avoided had she been wearing pants
But wait then while giving his drive thru order he goes in mid sentence, "Hey baby it's Travis remember me?"
Drunk assassins creed leads to explaining to my father that "it was only a steak knife in the arm"
Girl you're stalking so hard you're gonna know both their social security numbers soon
WHEN THE HELL DOES ANYTHING IN OUR LIVES *EVER* GO AS PLANNED???
I blame everything on you. My broken heart, my fucked up liver and my twisted mind.
I had to replace her wine with red vitamin water. So if she’s alive, you can thank me
It's a race to see if I finish the bottle first or my homework
I just had a man tell me he was going to think about me when he was fucking his wife tonight. This is my proudest moment as a gay.
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