you wouldn't stop saying "oil can" in the tin man voice until I gave you back your flask
jacking off on stolen wireless... gotta enjoy the small things in life
her cat watched me eat her out... I would use the alternate term for both of those things but it's too weird.
Do you need a place to sleep? Cause I fucked in the guestroom a few weeks ago and never washed the sheets. But if you don't care neither do I.
Fastest blow job ever. Though it was probably a good thing since we were in front of my house.
Saturday dinner is funfetti cake and merlot. Singlehood has come to this.
Nothing will ever prepare you for the moment when you are sitting on your friends bathroom floor with no pants on eating string cheese & pita at 2am.
Uhm; your sign says 'Welcome to KFC' and for some reason I can't seem to open the door.
For only eating leftover pizza for breakfast today, you sure do have a lot to vomit up...
I did cocaine with my cab driver all night. It was the best date.
I never truly understood the phrase ball is life until I started having to balance NBA finals and all these men with balls i'd like to handle.
Just left the ER. Only good thing... my hot ass nurse Carlos stripped me.
God works in mysterious ways.
Dude. So. Much. Sex. Find a girl in her 30s. Now.
Just went to Meijer. Purchased furnace filters, fishing line, red lipstick and pregnancy test. And if my purchase alone wasn't classy enough, I took the pregnancy test in the Meijer bathroom because Im on my way to the bar and wanted to know if that was a good idea or not. Cheers to no babies!
At least I’m an “essential employee” and can still bang my boss. \n\nFingers crossed my husband doesn’t ask why I’m essential, the orgasms are too good to give up during this pandemic
Randomize
