1:57 a.m. Where did you go???
1:58 a.m. What are you doing? I want to go home with you, why aren't you responding?
2:11 a.m. Heading back to your place now, will you let me in?
everything was goin great until he pulled out his ed hardy lighter and smoked in my face like he was cool.
it's like you attract all the douchebags that nobody wants. people should thank you.
my momz letting me make the christmas card in photoshop
so that means christmas in space?
imma make our dead cats ghosts like obi wan kenobi
He tried to eat me out in the bath... I said it was a bad idea, but he said it was good snorkelling practice for vaca.
Is there a polite way to say "Sorry for your head injury but I still want to hook up"?
Well for decently drunk, in the woods, last-person-i-should-be-hooking-up-with sex, i thought it was pretty good.
Does me being hung over take away from how professional I can be today?
I think the cashier could tell I was sad. All I bought was penis shaped food and chocolate
I think my teeth are moving, they feel like people.
I sexted him with a GIF from titanic and it worked....
I told ya. I'm super awesome at making things super awkward. I'm the Awkwardnator.
look when god gives you a dick that good for his son's birthday you don't question it
idk i was trying to watch Fuller House and you got up out of a dead sleep, just in your boxers, said "no more Dave Coulier" and walked out to the living room and unplugged the router
Let's do something tonight. I feel like setting things on fire.
i just realized i have only had sex on couches so far this year. i can't decide if that's impressive or trashy
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