before smithy murders me i need you to know 3 things. 1) i got with smithy's little sister last night. 2) i will always love you like my own brother. 3) smithy's little sis digs anal.
pube in her braces AGAIN. barely kept a straight face.
Just saw my neighbor passed out in his front yard, leg stretching into the road. Full beer in his hand.
he was actually really polite. he asked before he came on my chest because he "wasn't sure my stance on it".
I brought red and green boonsfarm to the white elephant party. classy and festive. I think this is what people are referring to when they talk about killing two birds with one stone.
dude stop sending me pictures of your dick in weird places. i get it. you rock out with your cock out.
he made me have a moment of silence for the half of my ice cream cone i threw away.
Just gave some kid head in the library. Perfect way to end the semester.
Saturday evening, however, will be my vodka and bubble wrap extravaganza.
ahhhh just came to creep and you're not there AND your thong you were wearing last night is on the floor..someone has some explaining to do
Just busted the chick who slept with my boyfriend with alcohol. God I love being an RA.
I couldn't really understand you because you were really quiet and I said "I don't know what you're saying, it's kind of a big mumble" and you said "that sums up my life"
The batteries in my vibrator died before I could finish. Which is a lot like my sex life lately......
new low: I blocked him from seeing my snapchat story in hopes he will text me because he'll be afraid I'm dead or something
You threw him in the dryer?
He went in of his own accord. Mumbled something about experiencing the blossoming of popcorn.
Randomize
