I woke up and my panties were thumbtacked to his wall. Out of my reach.
Im at a party and this guy hitting on me just showed me his 'caution choking hazard' tattoo right above his penis. There goes any chance he had of getting laid tonight.
she went apple picking. why dont we do cute things like that? let's go to a pumpkin patch!
because we're not cute. we're sluts. and sluts don't go apple picking.
She's good at three things and two of them involve dicks. And other one involves her love for arts
he told me not to treat him like a child and then started peeing off the trampoline
You know when the three of us hug it out in the alcohol isle in walmart it's gonna be fun.
Drunk puking in my bathtub has plugged it up for the third time this year. I hate these calls to my landlord.
I'm on this new diet called "I have 10$ till next Friday, I have rice
No sex in the champagne room. The champagne room being my life
He asked if I had feelings for him while I was lying naked on the floor vomiting into a trashcan as he held my hair and fed me Pringles.
I want to be "performing a disservice to society by actually wearing clothes in public" hot.
This wouldn't be the first time my boss has seen me topless
Don’t say some truly stupid shit like that to me. In a kitchen. Where the knives are kept
where are you guys?
stoned at his house watching water boil
I think the cats may be lesbians. It could just be a two hour mutual bath but it sure looks like a 69.
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