So my grandma sent me a doily for my birthday - don't ask why, I don't know. Anyways I put my bong on it, I think it actually classed up the joint.
Give me a heads up the next time you BBM me a voicenote of you cumming so I'll make sure not to play it while in the car with my parents. Miss you too.
maybe it wasnt such a good idea to pregame our lease signing...
my summer class's final was canceled bc it interfered with the world cup. he is giving us all A's on it. I love europe
I just remember taking her cat for a walk around 3 am then falling asleep in a slide at the park
So the bartender just told me that there was numerous people who saw me having sex on the rooftop last weekend. +1
i gave her a can of corn and told her the cabs are accepting non perishable food items over the holidays. blatant lie and she lives like $40 away
I don't know if I should be scared or excited that I can officially drink vodka on the rocks like it's 7up.
I left a care package of Jack Daniel's, pancake mix and porn in your apartment. Merry fucking Christmas.
These are your "grown up" slampiece's new hours of operation; please plan accordingly
I picked a bad day to wear the catch me fuck me shoes.
Did someone catch you and fuck you?
His exact words were "Can I meet your vagina?" I kept wondering if he was going to try to shake hands with it...
Remember that time we turned a can of Axe body spray into a flame thrower?
Holy fuck where did this cat tattoo on my ass come from
If you ever tell anyone I offered you boob squeezes for cheetos, I'll kill you
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