Please don't tell anyone I peed on your wall.
Stop bringing these fucking whores home with you. If I have to fight over the remote with a bleach blonde idiot wanting to watch the hills reruns one more time I'm pissing in your shampoo.
RJ thinks I should put one of the muffins in my vagina. Good idea or bad idea?
I'm sorry for coming into your work place and trying to smuggle you out in my purse.
Let me just inform you of my purse contents right now. Three cum rags, a sock full of cum, xanax, and a fake moustache. This is my life.
Been home for 3 days and already spiked coffee with Kahlua. Only 106 till we go back to school
She showed up to the party with a live octopus and a 30 pack that was already half gone
They have 12 kegs and 40 bottles of liquor and a pool with a diving board. And hardly anyone at this wedding knows me. Should be a great night
We are planning a drunk snapchat treasure hunt for tomorrow, and the treasure is his penis, this is a game I'm not willing to loose.
My signature move is making guys wonder why they bothered in the first place
It was dumb but not something to force me into sobriety
I wore his All-American medal during sex. I came in first that night.
Between his smile and monumental dick even the virgin mary woulda blown that man and I am far from the virgin. I didn't stand a chance.
I always knew ther was a reason why we're best friends
Obvs our love of drugs
I like to think of it more as our love of curiosity
What the fuck was I thinking eating an entire tub of potato salad on acid. My stomach today bro
Randomize
