At first I felt shameful, waking up naked next to a box of oreos and half a can of cake frosting...then I realized, this could be a bigger discovery than Atlantis.
I wanna tell red shirt guy I'm pregnant and use the abortion money for Coachella.
He kept saying 'your mouth is Amazing' even after I was on his dick.
the australian girl literally just drank an entire pitcher of beer in about twenty seconds. i want to go to there.
My chemistry professor just asked me if I ever found a ride home from the bar last Saturday
Well if my looks don't work with her I'll eat the 50 nuggets to impress her fat roommate.
I woke up on top of his counter next to a pot of boiling water and an empty package of ramen... what happened to the ramen, we will never know.
i mean i'm drinking free wine with lesbians and listening to sinead oconnor so i'm not sure who won that breakup
He reached a whole new level of creepy. We were getting a coffee and he noticed the girl at Starbucks name tag looked her up on fb and friend requested her right there without ever introducing himself
McDonald's and a car nap. I feel kinda human
You were in the girls bathroom yelling at some random chick because you thought she stole all the urinals. That's why you were kicked out.
No, no... It was great. I feel like my liver took a vodka shower and washed it's hair with pabst
Quit bitching. I brought you a muffin.
I don't know what the hell I'm going to do with myself when this is all over. I'll probably just go back to smoking pot and trying to learn italian.
its 4am. iam sitting in the luggage car of the train eating beef jerkey. i feel like a hobo.
dont insult. no hobo is as pathetic as you.
Randomize
