I just spent my lunch hour driving around campus yelling "TRADE LIVES WITH ME!" to all the freshmen moving in
As I was buying milk at the market, the lady at the checkstand said, "what? No alcohol today?" have I really earned THAT reputation?
I passed out in the VIP room and she charged me for 17 songs until I woke up, theres a bouncer asking me for $700, fuck tequila
I think we need to stop being best friends, its not good for our vaginas.
Are you really this nice or are you just trying to get in my pants?
Both?
Be there soon... with munchies, blow jobs and shoulder rubs.
Come part with me. By you sleep! No fun. Idek feelings Sorry for your life.
Sorry I invoked the "everyones getting smacked including myself policy last night"
My roommate was being an ass so I put everyone's drinks/shots on his tab for the entire night. Then when we left he was telling me how he got out cheaper than last time.
Trying to put a fitted sheet on drunk is one of the boss levels of slutty adulthood.
Hooked up with a guy dressed as Miss Frizzle last night... Asked if I could ride his Magic School Bus
It's like everything I need in life within a five block radius: booze, toilets, dogs, dicks.
Im covered in coffee vomit and urine and none of which are mine
Dad smells like hangovers and 65 years of bitterness
Disregard everything I texted you last night. Oh, and disregard me hooking up with your boyfriend.
Randomize
