no, no I am DEF NOT pregnant. typo. sorry, wanted to talk about us...
hahaha! you have a girlfriend
tell that to the new girl at work who i screwed on the washing machine today...
Girl walking by was talking on the phone about how he needed to write a gratitude list in her letter to god this week. Too stoned
My absolute favorite part of last night was after I puked in the ally, we rounded the corner and you screamed, "she's ok!" and everyone cheered
You know those creepy dolls that look like they are watching you from anywhere in the room? It was like that, but with his penis...
Hide in the closet. if you hear me yell patato salad come out swinging.
You're the third person who's asked me for an afternoon blow connection in one day. Unreal.
That's more of a you-issue than a me-issue
The universe is cradling this hangover like a gay couple cradles their newly adopted chinese baby.
they adjusted my tv to black and white ... i thought i drank myself to colorblindness
I just watched in amazement as you had a full conversation about water temperature and bacteria with your pet goldfish.
jesus, I think that canada gold metal game has completely changed all rules of acceptable drinking habits, I was fucked untill noon and I just got invited to go party when I get off work...at 600am...and NO ONE understood why i was hesitant
did you just send me my own nude
Despite how often it occurs, I have absolutely no interest in having sex with myself
woke up to two girls crawling on top of me forcefeeding me bacon. Best. Hangover. Ever.
No I'm not lying to you. I'm just not telling you the whole story. There's a massive difference.
Randomize