All my problems are solved. I just got McDonalds and scratch off lottery tickets.
Heated debate on which is worse. Pissing your pants or puking all over yourself
I know it was you that I fucked last night... I can smell my disappointment all over the sheets
Sexual tension squid is drowning in the sexual tension
So I found the perfect "Yeah I gained weight since high school but it went to all the right places" outfit for the reunion this weekend.
The moment you ate chicken nuggets out of your purse you were my hero.
Where the hell did i get chicken nuggets from
Guess who won a bet and gets to name it Optimus prime if it's a boy
Nevermind. Totally worth it.
The fire department told the police that I was inside the burning building trying to pee in the rest of the electrical Outlets. Booyaka.
There's a very drunk Asian strawberry shortcake crying on the curb next to my truck. I'm not really sure what standard protocol is for this situation.
so getting blacked out last night has made my lips so beautifully red for pictures today... and they say nothing good comes from alcohol
One of my interns found me on Grindr. I'm really gonna make him earn the absurd amount of money I pay him.
somehow getting chased by a bulldozer was NOT on my to-do list for today. just saying
Do you want to get naked and order pizza with me
I got a lap dance in honor of your birthday last night.
Thank you.
theres a video...
oh god.
Is it just me or did we have a heart to heart talk while you were naked last night?
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