i am so fucked up that i think i'm playing snood in my head.
well..are you winning?
Congratulations on your moose knuckle.
Thank you. Really, it was an honor just being nominated.
Just drove past a church with a sign near it that said, "God wants to be your daddy."
they're making a venn diagram comparing gummi bears against gummi worms...is this what i have to sit thru to get free weed????
Now there are nude photos of that bangin hot Russian spy chick...this is officially the best scandal ever.
I know the scar will be in an obvious place, that's why I'm certain it'll score me cancer blowjobs
You kept spitting the skittles out cause you said they tasted like "balls of sandpaper"
He was a bulldog and my face was like rare meat. Never again with the drunken ones.
Can't promise anything, there's vodka in my thermos
She was moaning so loud as i walked out of the room her roommates gave me a standing ovation... i think they are next
I put xanax in the cake batter
Did you really? It all makes sense now.
I'm chatting on my fake OkCupid account and watching Lion Witch & Wardrobe on my second screen. Hail me, King of the Creepers
I'm still getting random messages from guys about my Halloween outfit. Electrical tape is coming back next year
I wound up running down the street in 12 degree weather in just my bra and then fell asleep cuddling my bottle. You tell me how last night went.
i need you to come over and tell me if you can notice that i'm only wearing a teddy underneath my trenchcoat
Randomize
