I called the bar to ask if they found my Id and credit card and they remembered me as 'the girl who signed her receipt in blood'
She got stuck in the front door. She never told me how or why.
Its 11am, im in the city in a pocahontas outfit, lost a heel and found a gold rolex in my lingerie.
The last thing I said to him last night before telling him he couldn't give me a kiss goodnight was pointing at his dick then at me and saying "this isn't working out"
It's official drugs can't kill me
The chick who threw the party was all pissed cause she thought I made out with her boyfriend. Admittedly, I did, but she was throwing up and crying at the time so she really can't be that mad.
Dude... You called me at 3am to tell me you still had your pants.
I stole all of the toasting champagne and did an interpretive dance to "wind beneath my wings". I am literally everything you're not supposed to do at weddings.
But your showmanship is impeccable.
Question. There's no better feeling than clean shaven balls. Do girls get that too?
my dry spell has ended & now it's like a tsunami of dick i can't handle it
I can't even be mad at customs in houstons airport anymore for missing my flight and having to stay overnight. Within an hour of meeting we did it at her place. Her last word being "glad I could show you real southern hospitality". I'm definitely coming back here someday
I doubt the gods of funday Sunday would exact such a high price... But it's good to know an afternoon with me is worth a left foot.
you kept shouting 'jesus penis' when i was on the phone with 911
I am cleaning melted cheese out of my hair. This is a new experience for me
i should probably stop doing things just because i think they’re funny. i’m not going to.
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