i was so high last night while i was driving i felt like i was riding a bike with no pedals
I hate thxgiving break now because that totally means I'm not able to have sex for a week.
this is not real life
it never is. after midnight never counts.
Its gonna be a symphony of fucks
Eating nacho cheese off the carpet. How is your morning?
You asked me to text you at 11 and remind you that he's 33. It's 11:20. He's 33.
you're too late. he has eggnog and whiskey and all seven seasons of buffy. I shan't be coming home tonight
Which I'm also surprisingly fine with. If he walked into the bedroom naked, holding a fish in one hand and a lit candle in the other and said "Let's get fucking weird." I'd probably go with it. He's just that hot.
Why is it every time you ask me what I'm doing, I'm at a police station?
I fell asleep on the floor again. i dont want help, just a pillow. its kind of nice down here.
Bro if you were a bird I would puke in your mouth right now
So changing channels while she's on top is frowned upon. It's back to thinking about baseball again.
you flipped over the sheets and there was my bed. filled with ding dongs.
I wanna get a tattoo next to my tattoo that says, my ex did this so don't fucking ask
For real his Facebook page says he studied "sexual arts" at some random college I've never heard of. You've been warned.
Drunk version of me is like a sleeping demon inside of me that awakes to the sound of vodka
Randomize
