Forget about socially acceptable. Make me happy instead
On my way home i need to take a massive dump and couldn't wait.
how many beers do i need before it is acceptable to sleep with sam
enough that when i make fun of you for it tomorrow you wont even remember it happening
i wish there were pregnant emoticons
why is pumping your own stomach in your searches on youtube?
Considering the fact that you wouldn't give me my cat last night because he was "destined for broadway", yeah, I'm accusing you of stealing him
Who would we be if we didn't go out to drink during finals week? NOBODY
Hi future me, I saved you a big mac under the bed.
Weird come down, just saw a woman on the train go to grab something and realised she had terrifying hands. They literally filled me with dread. I don't think I'm ok.
Got a text that the fed tax return dropped into my account just before getting on the first leg of my flights the Vegas. Fate? Viva Las Vegas!
Shoot me. Oh my god shoot me. My moms ex "likes assholes"
We just got in a fight with grandma b/c she tried to tell us you didn't go hard.
The morning after your company Xmas party and that moment you're eating a block of cheese in bed wearing a sequin blazer and recalling all the details of your one night stand with a coworker who happened to start that day...fuck.
That's not "anything", that's you deep throating a mozzarella stick.
All I’ve had today is sex and water. I think it’s time for tacos.
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