I'm at derby!
The kentucky derby! But its night time, theres no way the horses are awake at this time.
I bet they all look and smell like Amy Winehouse
Dude it was awful. I woke up with more strippers in my dorm room than those duke lacrosse kids.
DOES ANYONE KNOW THE NINJA TURTLES
Day 3. Will have to postpone job hunting by a month. May have blown out my knee. Was sunburned on Friday. Now look painted red. Still alive. All worth it.
I've been alternating between telling people I was mauled by a bear or hit by a car to explain the massive unexplainable bruise on my leg. Slightly more worried now that the car idea is believable.
Apple should advertise that their phones are puke-proof. They would appeal to a whole new audience.
I masterbate to the thought of you. You totally aren't just a booty call.
It took me fifteen minutes to go from puking on my doorstep infront of my old lady neighbor to legit presentable person able to care for children. Bronzing powder and I deserve an award.
I woke up still drunk to a beautiful tattooed columbian man making me pancakes. How's your memorial day?
unless you have a dick and you were thinking of chopping that off
Tbh the only thing I was fully concerned about from the dream was what type of fucked up parallel universe doesn't have Coca-Cola
We can't go out this weekend. My uterus is so desperate it's given me permanent beer goggles
I think I'm so comfortable in my sexual relationship because he mostly wants to see me naked with large plates of bacon tastefully placed upon my body
Honestly, this social distancing bullshit is giving me a good excuse for drinking alone.
Randomize